Sometimes I feel like people think I’m crazy. Or stupid. I’m probably a bit of the former, but despite appearances and my demeanor I’m not the latter. There are really times when I feel like a freak in social settings. My friends offer a much-needed reprieve from this terrible sensation. There are people who don’t care at all about what others think. I am not one of them. But I refuse so adamantly to fit in, and so probably sabotage myself. (I figure that there are enough “normal” people to balance out my weirdness.)
Imagine being in the center of a room amongst people having seperate, yet equally interesting conversations. Despite your efforts, focusing on a particular group is impossible as the voices of members in the other groups often drown everyone out as they passionately urge their points across. Given the pace of each discussion, you are unable to find an opening to verbalize your thoughts but find every point & counterpoint made agreeable. Moreover, every point anyone makes is something you would say & every counterpoint is a conclusion you’d draw were you to embrace the mentality of someone on the opposite end of the spectrum.
This is the way my mind works.
There are typically no more than 10 and no less than 5 “groups” conversing, debating, or arguing at any given time & I literaly hear them. It’s often overwhelming. Not the voices - the thought that the brain can manage so many functions simultaneously but if it can handle my circulatory, respiratory & have me stopping at red lights when I’m not even paying attention, I shouldn’t be surprised. I used to wonder if it was normal but in every hypothetical scenario i constructed & played through, describing it to someone never went well. The majority of my thoughts, however, defy explanation & with a process as convoluted as what I’ve described the outcome is as reoccuring as it is absurd. - Thinking is Exhausting.
I find it perplexing how it is so easy for people to hate themselves. Even if it weren’t as extreme as using the word “hate,” the very fact that a person can dwell on a mere imperfection is just plain odd. You don’t see animals in nature doing anything even remotely close to what we do. We look at ourselves in the mirror and see “fat, ugly, weird, disproportionate,” etc. We scrutinize ourselves and think “dumb, annoying, worthless, useless, loveless, meaningless, failure, coward,” etc. It makes no sense to me how we can all waste so much time tearing ourselves apart like that. If there was something you really disliked about yourself, then you should be more constructive with your time and change it. But if those damaging words didn’t come from you, who told you that you were any of those horrible things? When was the first time you thought you weren’t good enough? Or pretty enough? Or smart enough? We all grow as human beings in wisdom and knowledge through experience. The argument of nature vs nurture will remain timeless. Were we born capable of thinking these negative things about ourselves? Or did our experiences teach us to be this way? Whichever one it may be, a more important question should be “why do we continue to think this way?” Human beings are the only creature I know that willingly undergo self-harm. I’ll never understand why people do this… and when I say “people,” I include myself.
Many people are inspirations, others aspire to become inspirations with their inspired notions. I’m one of many uninspired. I am lacking passion. I am lacking destiny. I desire much yet I am at odds with the world. The dreams I dream are merely trivial and yet I pray they’re possibilities and not plots to my imagination . Is it so cynical to hope for ‘better’, to hope for happiness. Live, Laugh, love. Three words to stir the soul, to stir the heart and to stir imagination. Is it possible for such words to cause fear? A fear of ones own life, ones own capablilities. That, I believe, is truly fear itself.
- Submitted by Anon
If every action has an equal reaction, then wouldn’t the big bang have not only created a universe, but destroyed it at the same time… My theory is that before us some other species were here, and as we were born they died, it may explain the brutality of out naature on this earth in all honesty… But at the same time, how could a place of such serene beauty be the creator of such destruction? It seems implausible I know, however often things of beauty can create the most hurt and destruction, and from the *phone rings >.<* ashes of evil, beauty can blossom.. It seems rather peculiar to me that these thoughts should occur to me at this hour in the morning, however often i find myself contemplating things beyond my years and knowledge, it is what we must do in order to grow and develop as a species.
(I was interrupted. Eight. Consecutive. Times. Recording this. This was the Eighth)
There are so many things I want to do with my life. Hey, deep down inside I’m a person of great passion. Perhaps not so deep down, actually. Of course I want to sing, but besides that, I want to travel, cook, make jewelry, write music, learn languages, and write (and part of me secretly wants to work in a cubicle). Sometimes I feel like an animal that would die in captivity, although I’m still quite domestic at heart. Despite my wanderlust, I would give that up to settle down and have a litter (well, maybe not a whole litter per se). I’m a dreamer at heart and want my life to be this epic fantasy adventure starring a blood elf vampire fairy rave mage, but I also want a little one to share it with. Of course I want the right guy too, which is something I used to be very preoccupied with (and still am sometimes), but now that doesn’t seem quite as important. I trust God to send the right person my way at the right time when I’m ready. I’ve always been kind of a mother hen though, so it shouldn’t be such a surprise that I want to be a real momma. Even though life as a parent seems so dull and mundane, I think that little bundle that loves you will be worth it. Like they say, a girl can dream…..
Often times In the midst of something I’ll get discouraged about, I wonder about how many could, potentially, be positively effected by what I’m doing. That with thoughts like “no one will appreciate this” or “I’m not cut out for this” I’m actually robbing people of inspiration, motivation, sounds, words, pictures that may be just what they need. In reality, if even one person would ever appreciate the expression, it should be worth expressing - & since this is a feeling I know everyone experiences at least once, I wish everyone would draw, sing, write, phrase, dance, act & love without hesitation. *xbox notification* I feel the world would be a much happier place